4/29/12

Still
By Virginia Young


I go to bed at night clutching my pillow and burying the right side of my face into its yielding softness – just the way I once rested against him, listening to every beat of his heart.

When I opened my eyes to look at his wonderful face, most often he would be looking at me, and then the sweet, kind of crooked little smile would stretch those beautiful lips and his grasp would become tighter. There was nothing so magical ever before him, and no one could ever take his place.



“Kim?”

I heard the soft voice vying for my attention, but my eyes were on the computer screen – I’d just received an email from the speaker we’d hoped to book for commencement.

“Kimmie?”

I turned from the screen and looked at Allison. I’d always thought what a nice young girl she was. Blonde curls embraced her oval face and those blue-green eyes seemed large and tuned into life. Obviously attractive to all the young men in the office, I’d noticed the look on Professor Danton’s face when he watched Allie moving about to make copies for him.

“Yes, Allie, what can I help you with?”

She smiled, seeming glad to have my attention.

“That student who wants to transfer to the college in London, I can’t find all his paperwork. Do you have it by any chance?”

I stood and reached across the desk next to me. “Here, Marian took the folder to check on his financial aid. When you’re through with it, you might put it back on her desk. Look,” I pointed to the screen, “we have an acceptance from the senator we wanted for our commencement speaker.”

“Wow,” Allie said as she read the well-known politician’s note. “He’s happy and proud to be chosen for our graduates. That’s fantastic, Kimmie. You’re so good at this.”

Allison smiled and started to walk toward her own receptionist desk then turned around and looked at me. “Hey, a few of us are going to the grille tonight for a burger and a few drinks. Want to come?”

“I can’t,” I said, no explanation, but the truth had been spoken – I couldn’t.

Allison gave me a perplexing and sad look, as if she didn’t know what else to say and knew not to beg.

I glanced at my calendar as Allison went back to her desk. I hated this date, two years exactly since the accident, but I wouldn’t and couldn’t survive if I admitted to its existence. I covered the calendar with papers I could have discarded.

I went back to work thanking the senator for his acceptance and added that a letter would arrive by mail giving him the details of time and transportation provided by the university. It was a good moment staring back at that screen knowing that another influential person would touch the hearts and minds of the graduates.



“Kim?”

I turned to see my boss standing next to me.

“Oh, hi, Helen. The senator agreed to be our guest speaker at graduation.” I smiled at her but did not see Helen’s somber face show anything more than concern.

“I know what this day means to you,” she said. “Can I help in any way? Would you like some company tonight for a drink or something?”

I pressed a couple of buttons on the computer and the screen went dark. Reaching into a side drawer of the desk for my purse, I looked up at her. “No, but thank you - I’m okay.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yes.”



I walked out of the administration building and off campus until I found myself safely walking to our street, to our apartment, to our bed. I stood there and slipped out of my lightweight coat and shoes. I looked at his pillow and smiled as I unbuttoned my pale blue blouse and unzipped my navy blue skirt. My underclothes were discarded as a soft jersey nightdress to my knees covered my body and I knelt on the bed, crawling toward his pillow. He was there. He was waiting with that wonderful smile. I would lie down carefully next to him, my left arm embracing the pillow, my face against its softness. “I’m home,” I said and then I closed my eyes as I pulled the pillow gently closer molding it to me.


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