3/10/12

It Doesn't Matter Now
By Madeline Dyer


I always had thought that I'd never understand the human race again, not after the 'incident', and in a way I was right; I never could fathom you out. You were always the spark I couldn’t quite catch...

We were as different as fire and ice, snow and coal... predator and prey.  You knew, all along you knew what I was, yet you still insisted on being with me. You said it didn't matter. You were brave. Or stupid.

But it doesn't matter now.

Finding you like that; a corpse on the floor, it wasn't nice. Realising the consequences... The terror washes over you like a wet blanket, clinging, clinging, clinging.... There really is no denying it.... It broke my heart.

It's not my fault I killed you; it's not my fault I'm a vampire. That's what my mentor would say, he’d say I shouldn’t blame myself. And he’d say it in that ridiculously haughty voice. He really annoyed me, annoyed me more than anything....More than how you used to assume it was my job to wash up. And clean. And cook.

But it doesn't matter now.

I'm sorry, you know. I hope you do know that, where ever you are, please, just know, know that I'm sorry. It never was meant to happen. As if I would’ve ever wanted it to.

But, I knew it would happen. Everyone knew it would happen. It was obvious, right from the start - a lioness and a gazelle don't live together. You must have known what would happen, it was inevitable. You must have realised, surely?

But it doesn't matter now.

Nothing matters now; I'm a murderer, I was before and I still am. Even when I try to be good, it still happens. Sometimes, I wonder why I even bother at all. I could go and join my cousins, at least they know how to deal with guilt. The guilt consumes you, like a fiery rage racing through your body, mixing with adrenaline, pumping through your veins. There’s no escape.

Guilt. I see you all the time. Not in a strange spirit way, but in an agonising torturous way. Not that I don't want to see you, because I do - I'd give anything, anything at all to see you again. To see you alive and well. Oh, I am so very, truly sorry.

But it doesn't matter now.

What's done is done. I can't change anything now. If only I could! If only! But you're gone. Gone forever.

Why didn't I listen to my sister? Why oh why did I let myself become so close to someone, so close to you? She knew what I'd become, after the 'incident', she knew and she tried to warn me. I should have listened. I should have been strong. I should’nt have given in to my feelings.

But it doesn't matter now.

It's too late.... I glance up around the room, the light’s dim and the haunting images flicker around me. The flickering candlelight shows me your face, your body. Others are there too. My eyes pick out an old man. He’s cowering in the corner. Yes. Yes, this is all Kyle's fault. Completely his fault. He changed me. It's his fault, his fault entirely; it’s his fault that I killed you. Yes, oh yes, it's definately his fault.

I should hunt him down. Make him pay. Make him feel the pain, the unbearable pain. Let him experience how it rips you apart, cell by cell, tissue by tissue, it kills you through torture. Guilt. Yes, he needs to know, he needs to know what it feels like. But he, too, is dead. He didn’t really deserve it the first time, but he does now! If only I hadn't already killed him over such a petty little thing...

But it doesn't matter now.

Nothing matters at all now, not now that you're gone. Entirely gone.

Of course the lioness would kill the gazelle. After she'd played with him a little, teased him a little.... That's what they're saying about us, you know? They think you were just another, what’s the phrase, 'pathetic fool’? 'Stupid boy’? As if I'd do that to you! As if I’d ever do that to anyone I love! You were so special to me; I loved you.

But it doesn't matter now.


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Madeline Dyer lives on a farm in the southwest of England, and she has a strong love for mythology and folklore; this in particular inspired her to start writing fantasy. She is currently working on a young adult fantasy novel.