12/18/11

For Your Tomorrow
By Alison Bennett


Claire Pemberton stood somberly with Matt’s parents and his brother William at the War Memorial in the village where they’d grown up.  The biting November chill cut through her and the emptiness of the last six months seemed somehow even more painful. Matt, her fiancé, was killed in active service in Afghanistan and her world had been shattered.

The large crowd, some in uniforms, some civilian, fell silent around the cenotaph, all with their own thoughts of loved ones lost and fallen.  A small robin sang noisily in the big tree at the side of the churchyard as if he had no sense of occasion, and the north wind was now so strong that the Union flag at the top of the church tower was beating against the pole.

After the service Claire went back to Matt’s parents’ house for lunch and spent some time looking at the photos proudly on display.  It all became a little too much for Claire, and after lunch she went into the garden and sat on the bench that looked out over the horses’ field.  She was deep in thought when William joined her, bringing out two large glasses of wine.

“I thought you might need this,” he said, smiling kindly.

“Thanks Wills,” she replied.  As she looked at him she realised just how much like Matt he was. His eyes were the same colour, the deepest brown, and his hair was dark, while the whole of the family seemed to have perfect teeth, Wills being no exception.

They sat and talked watching the horses graze in the field in front of them.

“I just can’t begin to accept what’s happened,” Claire said.   “It’s like I’ve died too; all my hopes, my dreams for the future just gone overnight.  I still love him so much.”

“I know you do, Claire.  And so do I.”

“Of course Wills,” Claire empathized, “it’s hard for all of us.  I heard your mother saying how glad she was that you were an accountant and not in the Services.”

They sat in the garden together uninterrupted most of the afternoon.  As the sun set, Wills’ father brought them out a travel rug to cover themselves.  It was still cold, but the warmth of the rug, the comfort that they found in talking and just being together, more than made up for the November weather.

Claire asked Wills why Emma wasn’t with him today.  

“Not really her scene I guess,” he replied.  “She’s busy working away a lot now and likes to see her girlfriends when she has a weekend off.”

Claire detected that maybe things were not too good between the two of them and saw a different sadness in Wills’ eyes.

When Claire eventually got home she went straight up to her room, opened the wardrobe door and removed a large shoe box covered with hearts and flowers. This was her most treasured possession; it was all her letters to Matt that she’d had returned when he died, along with the letters he had sent to her.

As she took the first letter out of the box she looked at the beautiful handwriting that he had, so neat and perfectly formed and far better than hers.  Far better than anyone else’s she had ever seen.


Dear Claire,

This is just a brief letter to let you know that we arrived safely in Camp Bastian this morning.  You can’t comprehend just how hot it is, and the dust is unbelievable. It feels a long way from home and a very long way from you.

I was lying on my bunk thinking of you, and I had to smile; remember the day we first met and how we really didn’t like each other?  You came marching up our path and knocked on our door to tell me that I’d taken your parking space and that you’d just carried all your shopping from two roads away.  As I came out to move my car I thought you were such a stuck up bitch, it was hard to imagine that I would end up falling for you.

This is just a short letter this time so I can catch the post that’s about to leave the camp.  Please write soon and give everyone my best.  Most of all remember that I love you more than any words could ever say.

All my love,

Matt xxxxx



She carefully folded the letter back up and put it in the neat envelope, then took out one of her own.

Dear Matt,

I’m missing you so much.  The family send their love and will be writing again soon.
My work is going well and the children at the school are such a joy and they raise my spirits when I feel down.

Today it was sports day, and while watching the races it made me think of the time when we were on holiday in Greece and we raced up the beach.  You would always win of course, but it never stopped me trying.

It was a great holiday; the little secluded bay was an absolute godsend.  Remember when I fell over in the sand and you ran back to me?  You leant over and looked at my face for what seemed like an eternity, then said, “I always thought your eyes were blue, but in this light they look green.  And your hair, I love the way it falls down so naturally.”  Then you totally ruined the moment by saying, “I even like your funny nose!”

We laughed uncontrollably and, rolling around on the shore line, you touched my face, held it between your hands and kissed me.  Then, completely unannounced, after caressing my upper thigh, as the sun began to set and waves began to lap the beach we… Well, I’d never thought of doing it alfresco, but it just seemed so right at the time.  Yes, it was a great holiday that one!
 
I wonder, do you have any idea just how much I miss you?  I want you with every sinew of my being and I can’t wait until I see you again.

All my love now and always,

Claire xxxxx


Claire fell back on the bed and the pain of her loss overwhelmed her.  It was not only an emotional sadness, but also an intense physical pain, an emptiness, that hurt deep in her stomach.  She knew she needed to be up for work the next day, but couldn’t stop reading; the letters were all she had left of Matt now, they were the closest she could ever be to him.  She picked another one…


Dear Claire,

Just heard, Aerosmith “ I don’t wana miss a thing,” I play it a lot on my iPod.  I was lying on my bunk and remembering us dancing to it at Marcus’ and Sara’s wedding - that was such a great night.

I loved holding you close, feeling your body next to mine.  I think we both had a bit too much to drink that night, but I would give anything to be dancing with you right now. I remember I got a bit excited on the dance floor and you were so scared that everyone would notice.  I whispered that they would only notice if I hung a flag on it!

I miss you so much Claire and I think of you all the time.  I took a shower earlier and I remembered when we were in Scotland, we had that shower in our room big enough for both of us.   The steam filled the cubical while the hot water cascaded over your curvy body, and as I kissed you, your nipples stood so erect that they caused their own little water features.

God, I miss you Claire Pemberton.

Matt xxxxxx


Claire started to pack up the letters and get ready for bed with yet another night of intermittent sleep ahead, thinking of the past, thinking of the loss, but never once thinking of the future.

The days, the weeks, the months went by and Claire tried in her own way to deal with her grief.  The children at her school helped a lot; they seemed to have a special way of lifting her and making life seem more positive, even if only for a while during the day.

Claire heard that Wills’ relationship with Emma was over.   A thought passed through her mind that maybe, just maybe, Wills would like to go for a drink.  She was a little surprised that he hadn’t been in touch recently as they had once been very close friends.  Perhaps she was a painful reminder of Matt and he no longer wanted to be around her.  

Time moved ever onward and Claire was gradually succeeding in putting back at least some of the pieces of her shattered life.  Work was good, the children were still giving her a real purpose and she had started an evening arts course at the local college.  But Claire now felt sure that she had not only lost Matt but, it would appear, Wills too.

Then out of the blue a letter arrived.  This was no ordinary letter, as it had the most exquisite handwriting.  It was addressed to Miss Claire Pemberton and she quickly opened it.

Dear Claire,

I’m sorry that I haven’t been in touch for a while, which is why I’ve decided to write you a letter - I don’t want to cause any embarrassment to either of us. If I’m completely out of line, please simply disregard this letter and pretend that it was never sent.

I just wanted to tell you that I now find myself single, and wanted to ask if you would consider seeing me.  I feel that we get on really well and, to be perfectly honest, I’ve always been so very fond of you.

I know this must all seem a little uncomfortable and I really hope that I haven’t upset you by asking.

Please ring me if you want to meet.  If I don’t hear, I’ll understand, but please don’t think badly of me, I just had to tell you how I feel.

I know how much you loved my brother and that no one will ever be able to replace him, and that is not my intention, but we are both young and we both have to try to move forward.

With Love

Wills


Claire picked up the phone and began to dial…


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